When I purchased the first edition of A Fucking Magazine back in September or October of ‘24, I had no idea what I was getting myself into. What struck me about it was the cover. There was a beautiful Black woman elegantly posing with her orange locs royally propped on the top of her head and horns tied around her waist with the title in a thick experimental font across the cover. Upon picking the book up, it had weight and was made of a nice medium bond paper that I still work tirelessly to keep wrinkle-less. Without flipping through it or caring too much about the price, I bought the magazine and proceeded to let it sit on my bookshelf for the next 6 months.
I have the habit of only gravitating towards academic and theoretical writing, so reading something fun is an active process for me. Having finished one essay and starting a dense critique, I’ve worked to become intentional about enjoyable, not thinky, reading. With this goal in mind, on a warm day off, I opened my window, burned an incense, turned on some lounge music, rolled a joint, and got myself comfortable on my bed to read A Fucking Magazine.
Who hasn’t fantasized about getting back at a former lover? Having that latent desire to live rent-free in the mind of the “someone” living rent-free in your mind. Ashani Lewis perfectly serves this internal revenge in her short fictitious entries called Break-Up Fantasies. Delivered in three pieces addressing three different men: #632—William, #217—Donnie, and #415—Garett, Lewis takes the reader on a mental trip exploring obsession, nature pollution, and spiritual anomalies.
The quality of these writings was something I was not anticipating at all. I had a thrill while reading these entries. The way Lewis builds tension and anticipation in each piece without overdoing it or being corny is a skill. Each of these entries really scratched my brain and tapped into this urge of unapologetic daydreaming. I don't often allow myself to personally indulge or at least display in any easily accessible form (physically or digitally) my interest in grey-area, not-always-couth romantic scenarios [more on this later]. Despite all being fantasies, Lewis does not confine herself to the realm of physical or psychological reasonability, which I believe adds a condition of fancifulness to the writing. It's a fantasy after all; let it be fantastic.
Break up Fantasy #632 - William
Starting with the first: Lewis knocks the reader for a loop by quickly switching the tone from a seemingly affectionate recognition of William’s height into a scale reference for how haunched he looks digging through the fantasizer’s trash. The reader follows William’s obsessive searching as he rummages and rouses discarded pieces of her, touching them all Sméagol-like. William connects the pieces of garbage to paint a picture of what life must be looking like for the fantasizer post breakup. As pieces start stacking, he finds evidence of her potentially having another until he is ultimately discovered by what he feared all along.
The first time I read this, my mouth dropped. The second time I read this (2 months later), my mouth still dropped. I was gagged. The writing in the fantasy produces a subtle intensity and drama I require. All information presented is quick and matter-of-fact, demanding you keep up. The writing is nasty with the short and impactful depiction of William’s lack of shame, his mind racing, and him rapidly forming a romantic narrative based on his past relationship with the fantasizer. It was truly a thrilling read, and my heart picked up that pace as the story escalated. I appreciated the juxtaposition between William’s actions and the fantasizer’s affectionate depiction of him. It is relatable to wish for someone's downfall while being attracted to them. That’s just how it is sometimes, and you have to get it out of your system.
Each fantasy taps into a different post-relationship emotion that comes from the same genre:A lack of reciprocity [more on this later]. Based on this scenario, it is possible to infer that this relationship had a building resentment in it due to William’s failure to show up for the fantasizer. There are mentions of him thinking how he should have bought her flowers or taken her to a museum, but it's too late. Him knowing the implications of her tossed-out food, to me, gives evidence that she was a provider to him and he didn’t do the same. He neglected the relationship, and now he’s digging in her trash.
Understanding that, in actuality, William’s actions are terrifying adds to the thrilling nature of this entry. Of course, one thinks, "Why would anyone want to fantasize about being stalked?" To be honest, I don’t know, but it may be valuable to ask if a fantasy is meant to be something of inherent and objective desire. It's important to recognize that the fantasizer's desirability comes from William being hurt and stuck in a regressive psychological loop. The fantasizer has moved on while he remains in a confused and self-unaccountable delirium.
Break up Fantasy #217 - Donnie
The second entry is the shortest and depicts a couple exchanging two very differently aligned gifts. The fantasizer, at first, is optimistic about the exchange, but does not delude herself about Donnie’s behavior in their relationship: the absolute necessity for his sexual gratification. However, it’s Christmas and a time to put others before oneself. Donnie is beaming as he asks the fantasizer to open his gift first. She does as she’s told and acts enthusiastic [“because being green is important to you”], but it all falls flat at the reveal, and the fantasizer breaks off the relationship completely.
I don’t know if I was supposed to laugh, but I did, and I think that’s important to mention. I can’t help but picture the scene stylistically in real-life shoujo [miscellaneous sparkles, glittering eyes, and heartbreaking beauty], which really adds to my enjoyment of it [as it’s on brand yet can still be taken seriously]. The more I read this fantasy, the more bitingly devastating Donnie’s gift is. All I can do is laugh. There’s a hedonistic tragedy of a relationship ending due to the selfish indulgent consumption of your partner's sexual energy. There’s a portion at the end where the fantasizer says all the right things during the severance that needed to be said, and it was important. I need a clean-cut relationship. This was the final straw for her, and she closed every door right there on that dock by dropping his gift into the rushing water. Think of the difficulty when it comes to closing all doors with a romantic past. It takes perseverance. I understand the anger and hurt the fantasizer feels and can comprehend in a form how deep the “why” can go. That’s a fundamental issue.
I'm no sex therapist, but I don’t think it takes a degree to say that reciprocity during sex is a foundational necessity for the relationship (if intercourse is valued in any way within it). Sex alone won’t save a relationship, but it undoubtedly plays a role. It is upsetting but not surprising that, in this case, misogyny (whether conscious or not) is the factor resulting in this imbalance. You cannot hate the female sex organs and then dabble in them. You can’t have your cake and eat it too. In the information age, there is no reason to be ignorant of or not functionally grasp foreplay for the female anatomy. If you don’t know how to (at least) prep and have sex with vagina having people well-intentionally and reciprocally, you greedily and apathetically consume female genitals.
Break up Fantasy #415 - Gareth
The final breakup fantasy begins with Gareth having a case of intense, consistent blushing. He is teased by friends and co-workers for about a week when he decides to take matters into his own hands. After treating his face, his complexion seems to go back to normal until he notices it slowly, “left cheek first, then right”. A slow blush. It's then he remembers what happened. About a week prior to the blushing, He confessed to cheating on the fantasizer with her cousin, and she slapped him. “First left cheek, then right”.
As the uncontrollable blushing continues, the phantom texting begins. Gareth has an anxious anticipation of receiving the fantasizer’s text. It occupies his mind during the day and has him jumping awake to check his phone at night. Shortly after this comes the laughing. By chance, while flirting with women and making a normal conversational misstep, Gareth’s ears become filled with the all-consuming sound of the fantasier laughing. It is so debilitating that he is forced to cover his ears and run. He can’t take it anymore. Gareth goes over to the fantasizer’s apartment in hopes of making her put an end to his suffering. He knocks, but receives no answer, and decides to let himself in with the not-yet-returned key. He rushes up the stairs to find clothing on the ground and the shower on. He hopes fervently that she is alone.
The end of this fantasy had me drooooolllinnng. It's a gently passive and all-encompassing revenge. That's sexy. I love a psychosexually delicate femme haunting [haunting grounds]. I love thinking about being thought about in a frightening, omnipresent, and yearning way, and I love how this author describes that to me. I just love what it makes me think of.
Post Read Analysis
Utilizing the 2nd POV to guide a fantasy makes a lot of sense. Writing the active process of thinking about a fantasy requires having this omniscient witnessing of another, in this case: William, Donnie, and Garrett. Most narrations that are written in the 2nd POV often tell the reader what they are doing. Stories like this are, in my opinion, usually unsuccessful because of how tightly the line of relation has to be threaded. To make the 2nd POV both effective and compelling, Lewis constructs these narratives from the fixed perspective of someone else while still maintaining this “accusatory” nature. By comprehending it as a fantasy framework, the reader is more easily understanding the narrative from the perspective of a narrator's interpretation of someone's thought processes and actions (in this case, one of the men). Along with this nature of who is watching whom, utilizing environmental storytelling to construct an almost meta narrative adds to its effectiveness. [This was a high thought—not claiming full accountability for this paragraph].
What I love collectively about these breakup fantasies is how indulgently they are written. The way they evoke a different feeling in their scenarios feels very satisfying, to put it simply. I love a sneak peek into someone’s world, and Lewis provides three. That’s a treat. When it comes to prose and writing structure, I fully align with the first entry, but situationally I crave the third entry; I love being a ghastly fucking woman. The second entry and I: we’re chill. Also, I imagine these stories with a diverse cast of beautiful people, and that really adds to my enjoyment. I feel represented [lol].
Now, addressing the act of fantasizing itself: when getting over someone, there isn’t a regard or question if what one is thinking about is “healthy” or “not toxic.” All you know is that you are thinking about it. When entering the grey of morality, when aligning for or against a thing becomes more complicated, where is the line drawn? I would say, generally, there is no right and wrong; it comes down to perspective (and I leave it at that). I believe misdemeanors serve as a respectable bar of measure, especially for those fantasy self-police-ers out there. For those who let their minds run a little more wild: I understand. Just let me have a little fun, be dynamic and hard to align (with questionable morality!?!? Yes). There is no winning [lol].
Let’s be real: We all fantasize about one thing or another. We think about meeting, about getting together, about breaking up, about being taken back—all of the scenarios. That is the process; those are emotions, and the most necessary part is moving forward. God forbid if I say it, it is okay and normal to crash out (within due reason), and it is okay to be emotionally hurt. That’s just life; it is how we respond to it that matters most. The realm of fantasy is unruly. No one can control it, not even ourselves. All I can say is: feed into the imagination responsibly, and what you think of does not always need to occur in reality. Some things are best left as fantasies.
I definitely recommend reading the first edition of A Fucking Magazine, not only because of how ahhhh the break-up fantasies are, but because of how it provides a range of input and perspectives. I have yet to read the magazine in full, but every time I have picked it up, it has been so much fun to just let the pages fall open and start reading or look at photos. I wasn’t expecting this commentary to be so long but I had such a fun time just talking about it and sharing it with my friends, so shout out to YOU if you read this in full! I hope you had fun too!
[Funny quickies: I didn’t know Juliana Huxtable was the individual on the cover until I started reading the magazine in May of this year (‘25). I stood behind/next to Ms. Huxtable [as some friends like to call her] during one of her set’s at Paragon (died and resurrected) in November ‘24 and just never connected the dots till I looked at my camera roll.
I also had no idea this was a Feel’d, like the dating app, publication even though it is written on the cover lol. Once again I didn't figure this out until I read the introduction.
I also was not aware this book was even about sex, intimacy, fetishes etc until a friend pointed it out. I just thought the “fucking” was really emphasizing how magazine the publication was. So that’s pretty fun on its own part. Like I said I had no idea what I was getting into lol. Just so tapped out.]